My youngest child is a people lover. She is naturally friendly and outgoing, and I often joke that I, one of the world’s most introverted introverts, have no idea how I birthed such a fun little personality. Though I’ve often wished I could strike up and hold conversations effortlessly, that’s a skill I’ve had to work at developing, while she appears to have been gifted with it.

I have lots of theories about why some of us are better at ‘peopling’ than others, but regardless, most of us recognize the importance of community, and I’ve come to appreciate community and desire it more as I’ve gotten older and found it harder to come by. We weren’t created to live apart from each other, but busyness and stress and a variety of other factors often prevent us from seeking deeper relationships.

Authentic community is difficult to find. We get our hearts broken, our trust destroyed, and our hopes dashed in this search for soul connections, and yet we still seek. We are wired for relationships and innately long for friendships, acceptance, and love, but sometimes acceptance and love turns into rejection and hatred. We can start to shun relationships and connections when we get the wind knocked out of us by an unexpected blow. Community is hard.

I suppose one of the reasons why children like my daughter have an easier time with fellowship is because they haven’t yet been beaten down by the world. We all eventually find out how hard loving one another can be, but with each relational strife we overcome, we develop a greater understanding of how to better love others.

I believe that the greatest tool we have in learning how to love and serve others is learning first how to abide. Dwelling on the pain and suffering that has entered our lives leads only to more heartache, while dwelling on God leads to an abundant faith that strengthens us in the face of oppositions we encounter.

1 John tells us that God is love and that what we choose to abide in makes all the difference in how we live, particularly when it comes to relationships. We can either abide in love, or abide in death. There is no abiding in both simultaneously, and that’s why it hurts so tremendously when we are abiding in God and someone comes along and treats us with ungodliness. True fellowship with one another can only occur when both parties are abiding in love.

Abiding in love means we must seek Him first above all else and keep His commandments. It means that we remain focused on all that is good, beautiful, and true, and pursue a life of holiness. It’s no small task, so it’s no wonder our relationships suffer. Of course, we can only choose how we respond to this truth and aren’t responsible for anyone else – but the greatest benefit of abiding in Him is that no matter how anyone else treats us, God will never fail. We have Him and His love when all else fails.

I have also found that, when we are abiding in God, He often gives us His eyes to see others around us who need encouragement and support. This is one way that love flows through us – He shows us who is in need even more than we are. If we are too focused on ourselves and the way others have let us down, we can miss out on being a blessing to someone we never expected. We might even find that they too have been through similar experiences and can minister to those specific needs in us. 

When God brings about a relationship, He often brings together broken pieces into beauty, like a mosaic that doesn’t look quite right until it’s completed. Just like broken parts can come together to create beautiful art, we can construct true fellowship out of our most vulnerable places – but the glue must be God. It must be love.

Although relationships can never be perfect on this side of heaven, God is faithful to fulfill our desires for truly loving companionship. If you are struggling to find authentic community, you are not alone in that search, and if you are still healing from relational wounds, you are definitely not alone in that either. Abide in Him, and His promise is that He will abide in you. 

Perhaps that is where we were all meant to find each other – in His presence.